the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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