this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize