last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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