Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
