i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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