My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize