cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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