Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
