ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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