Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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