I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
