So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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