You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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