As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
