I looked at my own cervix.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
