After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize