so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
