At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize