The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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