thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
