well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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