You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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