I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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