i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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