Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
BRING THE BAGELS
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
