There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
vagina is talking i cant
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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