These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Are my feet made of real feet?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
