Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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