Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
