Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why do cheetos always look like penises
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
