Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
