Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
