shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
someone owes me an orgasm
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
