Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
