I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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