Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
