Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
