Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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