I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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