Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
