You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
