Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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