I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
