I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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