This girl is more easily done than said...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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