The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
