I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
