he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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