so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
