Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't put those talents on a resume
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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