i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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