I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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