You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
