I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
