I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
