I faked an abortion last night.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
