Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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