So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
