I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
