Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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