You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
