Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
