Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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