porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Come share oat with me in your robe
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize