It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
