You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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