I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
