Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
