The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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