News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
