I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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