he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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