a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
