I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
