A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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