I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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