he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
