from now on my penis is your penis
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
