and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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